It Was To Be a Classic Affirmation...

Apologies – might be a long one today...

Part of the problem with insomnia is not knowing the cause, because, as such, it becomes almost impossible to treat effectively.

#1 Self-Diagnosis:

I’ve lately come to wonder whether the unpredictable emergence of my insomnia is merely a reflection of some sort of plea, by my unconscious, for more time in a day. There’s something odd about the fact that I absolutely refuse to do anything school-related after the conventional, light-mediated “bedtime,” no matter how much work I have or how many more hours I stay awake. With moonlight upon me and helplessly unable to sleep, I’m coerced to engage in any exploratory behavior that would indubitably be classified as completely unproductive & utterly irrelevant to my studies (at least directly).

You see, I believe I have developed what the Wise refer to as Procrastination; but, in my case, it has become so severe that it occurs, not only before, but also after any attempts at scholastic exertion (yes, I use ‘exertion’ intentionally here). On especially rainy days, it is even manifested intermittently between “fits” of academia. Could, in fact, my insomnia merely be an atypical extension of the aforementioned condition? That is – a compulsion to drag out, until the wee hours of the morning, the pleasurable effects of purposeless discovery (which is, sadly, mostly made possible by our ever-pervasive chupete electrónico, i.e. Google, Wikipedia, YouTube, Pandora, etc., in addition to the occasional Dr.Seuss book, which just can't be fully appreciated through a screen)?

#2 Recognition of Denial & Possibility of Solution:

Couldn't be. I love sleeping. But sometimes… I just can’t. And I refuse to take any real responsibility for my insomnia, since its (often unwelcome) advent occurs unwillingly. As an advocate of Existentialism, or at least of its foundational principles (Sartre’s “Existence precedes Essence”), I should admit that it's ultimately up to me whether (or not) I discover ways of controlling my own body, my own mind, so that I can finally lay my head on a pillow & fall asleep undisturbed. My ma says that insomnia isn’t anything that a little meditation can’t fix & though I think she’s right, it's so difficult to train ourselves to “let it all go” & accept our momentary "states-of-being". I'm not talking about relaxation, or about leading stress-free lives; you all know I definitely don't need any more of that. I'm talking about a genuine manipulation of mental states - whatever it is the Buddhist monks are doing when scientists measure their rises & falls in body temperature, neurotransmitter activation, & consciousness.

I guess that’s the reason we so easily turn to drugs; after all, it seems silly to work so hard to achieve a mental state that can so effortlessly be induced by the ingestion of illicit substances. Problem is – they don’t work &, unfortunately, we don’t learn.

Excerpt from Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas (one of my all-time favorites):

That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary’s trip. He crashed America selling “consciousness expansion” without ever giving thought to the grim, meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all those people that took him seriously.

All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy peace and understanding for three bucks a hit.

But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole lifestyle that he helped create. A generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the acid culture: the desperate assumption that somebody, or at least some force, is tending the light at the end of the tunnel.

Besos.